Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
