so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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