just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
