When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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