My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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