i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize