What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize