Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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