I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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