drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
