i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
