First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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