You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
