3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize