Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
