Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
