Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
