The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
