Can i not drive my cunt home
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
