He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
