i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
