she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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