On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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