So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
