the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
