I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize