what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
