Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize