I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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