our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
