And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
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