Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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