I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
