how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Randomize
