I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
