I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
