I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
