and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
