My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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