Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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