Old men and throwing up are my life now.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
