I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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