they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize