i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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