the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
