I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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