he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
