i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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