When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
