I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
