how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
