Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
