So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
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