a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
