Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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