I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize