ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
