So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
