Where did you get a picture of my penis
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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