he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
