Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize