his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
