I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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